I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
