did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
