she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
