I can text with my tongue
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
