Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
