It's like a parade of train wrecks.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
