I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
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