Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
