Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
