I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
