My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
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