i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Randomize
