sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
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