So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
