Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
