I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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