Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
