Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
