i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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