A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize