Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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