It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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