I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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