This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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