I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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