Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Mom said you looked used
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
