What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
