bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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