I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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