then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
