he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Randomize
