Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
