There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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