I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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