I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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