girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
