my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
