yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
