babies were throwing up all over the place
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize