I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
