I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
