someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
