She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
