my mouth tastes like poor choices
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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