Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
