god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
