Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
