sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
