Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
