I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
