so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
