Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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