I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
