dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
