you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
