I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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