I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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