Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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