Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
