so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
