I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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