I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize