Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
