Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
