My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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